Lately I’m all caught up in relationship advice lol. I guess you could say being recently married inspires you to do your research and then some!
Relationships are TOUGH. Sibling rivalries, school fights, parent-child arguments. None of it is easy if you ask me.
I’ve actually been thinking about this topic for quite some time. The past 12 years really. Ever since I had my first dance partner.
And let’s face it, if you’ve ever been in a close business relationship where you depend on each other to make income, it’s even more of a challenge. Try dancing and sweating on yourselves all day, expecting your partner to give 200% on the dancefloor 24/7, seven days a week. Oh and then you have to travel together. It pretty much simulates what it’s like to be married, don’t you think?
So I guess I was kinda prepared for married life after my dance career?
How you fight, the words you choose and the body language you use is very important. It can mean life or death in any relationship.
So what makes marriage even more of a challenge? Well, in a way it’s easier. Because at the end of the day you’ve both made this HUGE commitment which makes walking away A LOT MORE DIFFICULT. It’s also WAY HARDER because you’re both fully invested emotionally, physically and financially. And if you have kids, that adds a whole other dimension to how you should and shouldn’t fight in front of your children.
Let’s backtrack for a second. I had some pretty amazing dance coaches that were married and used to fight. A TON. SO they developed rules for their fights. Certain words and sayings were completely OFF LIMITS. Then they started giving us the same rules. Then came the Tony Robbins tapes. Then The Secret. And so forth and so on.
A relationship is easy said NO ONE.
SO here I am, years later applying the principles my dance coaches shared with me and my dance partners, to my new marriage. And you know, it’s totally helping. (So does taking a deep breath every time your blood starts to heat up).
Most of the time Anton is an angel. But obviously we all know… no man is perfect, LOL.
So I decided to come up with some rules of engagement for us. Unbeknownst to Anton, I’ll be printing out a copy and giving it to him this weekend. 🙂
My Fight Club 101 Rules For Arguing With Your Spouse:
- Take the swearing and cussing OUT OF IT. Calling a girl a bitch or a guy a dick is the WORST and will most certainly set you up for immediate failure and disaster. If a guy calls me a name I’m libel to never talk to him again. And since I’m all about being fair and equal, I shouldn’t name call back as the girl, either.
- TAKE A DEEP BREATH and monitor your tone of voice. Try to stay calm and civil. No loud voice fluctuations and no talking down at your partner. You talk down to me and I’ll talk up to you in both heat and volume LOL! From there the escalations will ensue and you and I will never reach a resolution. When at least one person remains calm, it tends to calm down the entire conversation.
- Before you approach a sensitive subject, THINK for a second. Do I really need to bring this up? And if so, is there a nice, non offensive way for me to do so? Will it hurt my spouse’s feelings? If so, don’t do it. You know there’s an excellent saying I learned from Disney’s Bambi, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all,” replied Thumper the rabbit. 🙂 I don’t like it when someone hurts my feelings so why would I want to hurt my spouse’s feelings? Spouses are a team and teams work together!
- EYE ON THE PRIZE so to speak. What are you trying to achieve here? Can you achieve what you want without conflict? Is there a better, easier route? Consider ALL of your options before picking a fight. Otherwise you waste too much time on negativity and the end result is not getting what you want.
- Refrain from using the word “YOU” so much. You is confrontational and accusatory. Try to speak from the “I” more to say how you feel and what you need. “I need more…” or “I feel hurt because of….” I guarantee you your partner will feel more of what you’re feeling and try to resolve things a lot faster.
- DO NOT THREATEN DIVORCE. This should be the last thing you say. And you should only say it if you really mean it. Otherwise, why say it? Why traumatize your spouse? The more often you threaten, the less seriously they will take you. You are guaranteed to lose respect. Empty threats never win fights. And besides, you’ve opted to spend the rest of your lives together. Divorce needs to be your final, final option only when all else fails.
- “BUT.” Stay away from this word whenever possible in life. It totally deletes what came before it. “I’m sorry but…” is NOT an apology. People really don’t like having what they’ve said be demeaned or dismissed. Use another word like “and” or “well” or “at the same time” to get your point across.
- Refrain from saying SORRY unless you really mean it. If you say sorry sarcastically or lightheartedly, your spouse will know and eventually, they will lose trust and faith in your word. And we all know every successful relationship depends on trust.
- NEVER EVER THROW THINGS OR USE VIOLENCE. Even throwing keys is a bad idea. Both parties need to be able to control their emotions. Take a walk, meditate, workout and calm down before arguing further with your spouse if needed. There’s absolutely no reason that warrants violent behavior, EVER.
- “Marriage shouldn’t be this HARD.” Oh really? I’ve got news for everyone, marriage is hard work. And so is every other great relationship and success in life. If you’re not willing to put in the time, effort and dedication, you shouldn’t be in the relationship, career or whatever it is you think should be so easy. I have clients who say at year 20 they thought it should be easier, but here they are at year 25, continuing to work JUST AS HARD AS DAY ONE.
- COMMUNICATE. Let your spouse know what you are thinking and feeling. This can be a challenge for men more than women oftentimes, so men I encourage you to use more words. Women really need words. We need reassurance. We need guidance. And sometimes, we really need to hear you say the words “I’m sorry” and MEAN THEM. 🙂 And as for women, well, sometimes we need to be quiet and just listen for a few minutes. Try a role reversal and see what happens next. 🙂
Yep, nothing in life is ever easy. Life was not designed that way. But I do believe life can be simple. Start by remembering these rules of engagement and I guarantee you’ll fight less and be way more productive as a couple.
Don’t laugh, but I’ll probably print out a cheat sheet and put it in Anton’s drawer. I may even take it out for us and read through it the next time one of us gets “ruffled feathers.”
Marriage is worthy of hard work. It’s worth the sweat, tears and passion, don’t you think?
And last but not least please please remember that none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and will continue to do so. But that’s the beauty of life and what makes us human. Those who deserve our love and respect will love us all the more for these mistakes if we can just learn to handle them in the kindest of ways.
Oh and I’ll let you in on a little secret. We resolve most of our fights by bringing humor into them. Usually Anton gets me to laugh or he’ll even use one or both of our Yorkies as his human shield.
Totally unfair, right?!
LOL.
P.S. Do you like how I’m dressed in all black and Anton is in his innocent white?
Okay, off to print this HAHA!
xx Shanna